One Day You'll Be Dead

So I recently engaged in reading Show Your Work by Austin Kleon. This book was not a planned purchased just a matter of gravity hitting the shelves and allowing this to fall into my grasp, oh and how the weight of it would be. I was only a few pages deep when I hit the "Read The Obituaries" section. Now most people will have thought that the shocking moment would be when Kleon announces the obvious in saying that death is waiting for all of us.

 Although most people ignore it, I am highly aware of this accusation. So hyper sensitive to it that I am in a constant state of fearing that I haven't  done enough, and  my life has sum up to: 2 +2 equals a whole lot of nothings. Which is about the experience and feelings on a daily basis, being in my early 20's and enduring one hell of a quater life crisis ( and yeah thats a real thing I looked it up)! What hit me like a weight was picturing a near death experience. I tried to imagine what I would want my obituaries to say, what would I have regretted not doing.

 The scariest part was coming up with nothing. I had nothing I couldn't come up with one damn thing for myself. All I could think about was how incredibly lost I feel on a daily basis and how this book helped in pointing that out just a bit more. I spent days rehashing this question over and over continuing to come up short. I spent those days staring out the restaurant windows wondering if it would always be like this, would my indecisive mannerism leave me in this state longer then the average human or worse indefinitely. I couldn't bare it, the question with no result was weighing  me down and I couldn't balance it alone. So I began to ask others to see if the question would be so simple for them, and for a few lucky people it was, but for the rest is was just a muddle mess of maybes, I thinks, and I'm not sures. 

It was beginning to feel tragic. Is this world just a big mess of lost people trying to muddle their way around, Ignoring death simply because it was the only option? The more I thought about it, the fuzzier it became until a friend asked me to answer the question.

 I began to text back"  "OK so I was thinking at work and all I could come up with is a whole bunch of nothing." * What I actually texted was "OK so I was thinking at work and all I could come up with is, I would want my name to be known, to have created something that left a mark ( a good one). I want to have the means to create and a reason to create them but I wouldn't know what to focus on because I'm too indecisive, If I could find a way to make art and write and combine that into a living. I have so many ideas and no reason to pursue them, also I want to be louder, to be herd, make more people laugh, and tell the people who truly deserve it  fuck off! while having more patience for the ones that matter."

 This answer flew out of my finger tips and onto the screen before I even knew what I was typing. Some how the answer never hit my brain and fell right out onto my cell phone without my permission. I had an answer finally a decent one and it actually came from me and not somebody telling me who I should be or what I should be.

 Honestly I was kind of hoping for something more like merchandiser, personal trainer, or publicist would have fell out , an answer with a little more direction and a little less "your still lost" written in it, but hey beggars can't be choosers. So Kleon Im taking your advice and following your direction, I'm starting this blog on a whim, hope, and a dash of dread that through documenting my work and thoughts I can find myself and people can find me.